


Sorry for the Inconvenience

by esmerod



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Dirty Talk, Kidnapping, M/M, Masturbation, Voice Kink, Voyeurism, classic Bond elements, damsel-in-distress!Eggsy, fake villain Harry, mentions of bondage, the author's attempt at humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 20:21:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11387700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esmerod/pseuds/esmerod
Summary: It’s like he told Valentine, part of him always fancied being a colourful megalomaniac. Or the story how Harry solves Kingsman’s monetary problems by becoming a Bond villain and strapping Eggsy to contraptions. A comedy, kind of.





	Sorry for the Inconvenience

**Author's Note:**

> Check out Sheepie's art [here](http://zombiisheep.tumblr.com/post/162551619585/my-contribution-for-the-kingsman-big-bang-i-had)

Harry never claimed it was a good plan. Admittedly, it was an outright shite plan, but as a gentleman he felt the proper word to use was 'ill-conceived'.

He pinched the bridge of his nose as he sat on the heavy mahogany desk in his office. Another migraine was already creeping up on him and even Eggsy's charming smile from the picture in his file couldn't alleviate it.

Kingsman was broke. No matter how you looked at it or tried to tweak the numbers, they barely had the funds to keep the lights on. It was all Chester's fault, of course. After V-Day and his own miraculous resurrection, Harry had taken on the mantle of Arthur – not entirely out of his own volition, mind, but Merlin's constant nagging and the little factor of the missing eye had ultimately led to this headache-inducing new position. He regularly cursed the Scot for his meddling, and the first cost-cutting measure had consequently been to make sure the tech department only got the cheap coffee nowadays. Merlin had been outraged. Unfortunately, the damage had already been done and it helped little when Harry stared at the pile of very threatening sheets in front of him, which all spelled BANKRUPT in so many ways it wasn't even remotely funny.

He didn't know what to do. Well, of course, he had some ideas, but they all involved sponsors, benefactors and patrons. And all three of these groups held a post-V-Day stance that could be described as _not very benevolent_ towards Kingsman. Not that Harry could blame them. He himself had felt that tiny moment of doubt, in which he wondered if he really should go back to that kind of lifestyle. And considering that their former head of organisation had invested huge amounts of money into Valentine's mass murdering schemes, it wasn't a particularly big surprise that their former friends felt rather wary of Kingsman as an institution now. ~~~~

He still had tried asking some of them for money. It had been highly uncomfortable and had rendered absolutely no results, apart from the jarring realization how many of them had actually been in Chester's pocket and were now dead. Those who were still around were, as pointed out before, rather uninterested in funnelling money into their accounts. Harry really wished he could kill Chester again. Even though he had to admit an almost paternal pride when he'd seen the footage of Eggsy poisoning the old snob. And Eggsy's passionate proclamation that he'd rather be with Harry spurred some other feelings that were quite far from paternal, but that was something to ponder another time and with a lot more alcohol involved.

Harry's gaze wandered back to the picture in the file. Eggsy - he was so young and eager, only waiting for Harry's command to throw himself into battle. It left Harry with a lot of conflicting emotions. Because on the one hand this was exactly what the knights did – what he himself had done for decades – but on the other hand he felt a minuscule, grain of sand sized inkling of worry about the boy’s well-being. Not that he would ever voice that out loud, he’d never undermine Eggsy’s trust in him (again), but they literally couldn't afford to send anybody out right now. So he didn't only have a disappointed Eggsy caged up at HQ, but a whole bunch of highly trained assassins with too much energy and frustration. Harry didn't even want to think about the possibility of them turning their backs on Kingsman. If only he could convince some of Valentine's locked up celebrities to contribute to their cause, after all, Kingsman had saved them. But that was another source that had rendered no tangible results. Her Royal Highness Princess Tilde of Sweden had quite literally turned up her nose at them and said that she'd had quite enough of privileged old men making decisions about the fate of the world.

And while that had been a punch to the gut, it had also planted the sapling of an idea in his mind. Admittedly, a stupid – pardon me, ill-conceived – one, but it was the only thing he had so far.

Harry's finger tenderly traced the frame of Eggsy's picture. If people were wary of privileged old men, then he should probably remind them that it'd been an underprivileged young one that had saved them. He took a deep breath, it didn't help his headache, but he already knew that he wouldn't be rid of it until this was over.

 

* * *

 

Eggsy was carrying the groceries to his car, whistling along to some tune playing from his headphones. Harry would have given him an unimpressed lecture that music was supposed to consist of more than 4 chords, but then, Harry also had a signed and framed photograph of Ursula Andress nobody dared to mention standing on his desk. Though, even Eggsy had to admit that she'd been one hot bird back in her days. He shook his head at the memory and unloaded the heavy bags into the boot of his car.

Behind him the sun was sinking below the horizon. He was off early today, but then he'd been off early quite a lot recently. He rounded his car and started fumbling for his keys. Kingsman had trouble, they all knew that, but there also wasn't a lot they could do about it. Or at least not without having been given direct orders.

He was about the open the driver's door, when the noise of something crashing sounded over the music blasting into his ears. Not far from him was an elderly man with a lot of strewn groceries on the ground around him. He looked extremely embarrassed but was obviously having some difficulties with kneeling down and picking them up. Eggsy immediately hurried over.

"Do you need help, sir?" He didn't really wait for the flustered man's answer, but had already started collecting the strewn items.  
  
"Thank you, lad. The old knees aren't what they used to be." The old man used a rickety looking walking stick to point to his own long legs. Eggsy nodded and tried to give the old fella an encouraging smile. Once he'd gathered all the stuff, he tried to get up, but it was quite the task to balance all of it in his arms without a decent bag.

"Don't worry, lad, my car's just over there." The old man pointed to a surprisingly new-looking, black van and started hobbling over, not really giving Eggsy the chance to question the discrepancy between the appearance of the vehicle and its owner. "It's really kind of you to help an old man like me, not everybody would've done that. You're quite the young gentleman."  
Eggsy couldn't help but chuckle over the statement. "I try my best," he said and shoved the assorted groceries into the opened boot.  
  
"Could you put them a bit further back? I need the space to put something else in," the man said and Eggsy grunted in agreement. He leant in, one knee on the bumper, his upper-body almost inside the vehicle, when the alarm bells inside his head went off. He turned around and studied the old man, who now stood much straighter and looked pretty spry in comparison to the picture of old age from a moment ago.

The man had a mild smile on his face, but his posture had clearly changed. It was very upright and the way he held himself reminded Eggsy of someone else entirely.

"Sorry about this," he said and proceeded to club his walking stick over Eggsy's head.

 

* * *

 

When he woke up again his head was throbbing. He was also in a cell but that he considered the lesser of two evils for the moment.

Carefully his fingers went feeling for the lump on his head while he was silently cursing himself. How could he have fallen for the oldest trick in the book? Never ever underestimate weak-looking people! Women, children and old folks were far from harmless, he knew that because he was a fucking spy!  
  
Eggsy groaned and prodded the lump with a kind of masochistic curiosity. It didn't hurt as much as it could have and it'd obviously been treated. So his moaning was more the result of his own stupidity. He didn't even want to imagine how the other Kingsman agents would react once they got wind of this. He'd be the laughing stock for weeks!

He groaned some more and rolled over. The narrow pallets he was lying on didn't leave all that much room for self-pity induce squirming, so he involuntarily knocked over a glass of water that was standing on the night stand next to it. It was plastic, which meant that it obviously didn't break, but the mess flooded the sterile white surface of the table and washed up a little unassuming card.

Eggsy squinted at it suspiciously. His vision was still a bit blurry and after the blunder that had landed him here, he awarded the slip of paper a ridiculously long amount of scrutiny. Eventually he peeled it off the table.

It spelled "Sorry for the Inconvenience" in an elegant script and had him frown. He turned it over, but apart from the hand-written message there was nothing on it. Bare, just like the rest of his cell.

Eggsy sighed and decided to get up. His head was mostly feeling ok now, so he paced the length of the room. It was about five to six metres, with nothing in it except the pallet.  
  
At least he had a view though. His gaze drifted over to the large windowfront behind the headboard, which showed the stormy sea. Eggsy stepped closer and touched his hand to the cold pane. This wasn't good. His fingertips traced the glass. No condensation, no sound from the rocky waves outside. No, definitely not good, because utterly soundproof meant very hi-tech and therefore a lot more durable and harder to break out from. He grimaced.

"I see you're finally awake."

Eggsy jumped and looked around frantically.

He didn't know how much the abductor knew about him, but for now it seemed safer to play frightened civilian. "Where are you? What the fuck have you done to me?!" he yelled and waved a fist in outraged indignation.

The voice chuckled. "Now now, Agent Galahad. No need for theatrics. I know who you are, but rest assured this is nothing personal. I merely require your cooperation and everything will be fine."

Eggsy lowered his fist again. So much for frightened civilian. He studied the cell again, but this time much more carefully. Where did the voice come from? Where were the mics and the loudspeakers? After all, the mysterious abductor was able to hear him. Eggsy was aware that his calculating inspection must give off quite the different vibe, but he didn't care. As the guy already knew who he was, pretending was pointless. Analysis and task management became paramount instead.

"I don't think I particularly feel like cooperating with someone who clubbed me over the head," a nasty, provocative smirk was playing at the corners of his lips. He'd spotted the miniscule camera. It was in the ceiling, pretending to be a speck of dirt or something, but unfortunately still reflecting the light in a not entirely natural manner. Eggsy glared at it openly. There was probably more than one.

"I must apologize for the manner in which you arrived here. It was never our intention to target you as an individual. This is all about your organisation."

"My organisation?" Eggsy was only stalling by playing dumb now, after all they already knew his code name, but identifying the cams had priority.

"Kingsman, of course."

Eggsy hmpfed and lowered his gaze. "What do you want then?"

"As I said, your cooperation." There was a hint of impatience in the smooth tones of the obviously digitally altered voice now. Eggsy felt rather smug and decided to ignore what said cooperation was supposed to entail for now.

"Who are you?" he asked instead and levelled a second camera right above his pallet with an intense und also slightly reproachful stare.

The voice responded with a put-upon sigh. "That, Agent Galahad, is a question for another day. For now I would appreciate it if you stepped over to the wall on your left and placed your right hand on the forth panel from the top."

Eggsy raised an eyebrow. "And why should I do that?"

"Cooperation, Agent. Besides, the effects will be in your own personal interest."

Eggsy wasn't convinced. He still took a step over to the indicated spot, but he made sure to shoot the camera another very suspicious look before the placed his hand on the panel. It lit up immediately and Eggsy almost recoiled in reflex.

As it turned out, the inconspicuous panel opened a door to a small adjacent shower. Eggsy put his head in and whistled, involuntarily impressed. Very minimalistic and modern, but nice, and it had everything one needed.

"So I can take a shower?"

"Yes, the facilities are at your disposable. However, I would like to remind you not to abuse your privileges for they can be retracted."

Eggsy nodded distractedly, already peeling the clothes he was still wearing from before his abduction off. At least the guy had been decent enough not to undress him while he was unconscious. Sure all his weapons and gear he wore even without his suit were gone, but there was no indication that anything else had been removed from his person. Not even Kingsman was that nice with their prisoners. Eggsy was tempted to shake his head at this strange situation, but instead decided to just take what he could get.

"Do I also get food?" he yelled out into the cell, not really sure if there were mics in the shower too. He hoped not, because that would make him take all the rather nice things he had just thought about his captor back.

"It is not in our interest to torture you, Agent. Cooperate and we shall try to make your stay here as pleasant as possible," the voice retorted smoothly, obviously guessing Eggsy's thoughts. This time Eggsy really shook his head when he stepped into the shower. Weird guy. Did he know anything about how this hostage business normally worked?

* * *

 

Eggsy came out of the shower with one white fluffy towel round his hips and a second one on his head. There had been a third one, but he found that a tad excessive. The cell still looked the same, with the only difference that there was now some food on the small table next to his pallet and the spillage from before was gone. There were also some new clothes waiting for him, all neatly folded and proper.

Eggsy examined both and then decided that it was probably safe to accept these gifts for now. The sound of static alerted him to his captor's return at the comms. "I hope you enjoy the light soup, with your head wound a light meal, - " there was a minimal hitch in the voice when Eggsy dropped the towel around his hips and grabbed the grey cotton tracksuit trousers lying on the bed. He slipped in with a satisfied smirk in his face. The voice cleared its throat and continued, "a light meal seems more advisable. Should you suffer from any other aftereffects, please let me know."

Eggsy nodded to the camera before he pulled the white, and rather tight, shirt over his head and sat down.

His gaze wandered around the room once more. The sea view showed that the sun had sunk below the horizon and the rocky waves sprayed little droplets of foam against his window. It looked rather cold outside, and part of Eggsy, even if he was loath to admit it, was glad that his captor had bothered to give him something more comfortable than a damp, dark cell. Seen in that light, his "lodgings" could almost be considered luxurious. Almost.

Eggsy grimaced, his gaze drawn back to the wall panelling. He’d been on the look-out for other mechanisms and switches even while pretending to be absorbed by his shower. But so far it appeared as if the majority of it was remote-controlled. Which meant the operator with the distorted voice was the key to his freedom. And human elements required different techniques…

He grinned to himself. Eggsy had, of course, noted the little slip before, the hitch in the polite voice's tone. So he had something on the guy now…

He liked to watch.  
  
Admittedly, voyeurism wasn't a kink Eggsy had all that much experience with. Part of him suspected though that it must be something Merlin could have given him some advice on… which he wasn't sure he wanted to ponder now. But he could work with the fact the voice enjoyed a fit body. Well, who didn't?

His gaze drifted back to the violently rolling waves outside. The weather looked rather stormy now. Eggsy grabbed the bowl of soup and said into the empty room: "Could I maybe get some music?"

Soon after the soft sounds of "Let it be" filled his cell and Eggsy very much felt like rolling his eyes at this rather unsubtle message.

* * *

 

The next day Eggsy was bored. Bored and hungry.  
As it turned out, only a "light soup" wasn't exactly what satiated a strapping young lad like himself, and he consequently felt his stomach grumble. He shot the camera above his bed a reproachful look and got up.  
  
After pacing the cell a few times, he started with some stretching exercises. While it was always a good idea to keep in shape, he mostly did it to see if he could elicit another reaction from his captor. So he bent probably a bit lower than what'd have been normal and made sure the camera got a good angle of his backside.

His fingertips touched his toes, then he spread his legs a little, feeling it conveyed the message of what this was about better.  It went on like this for a few minutes and Eggsy contemplated switching to more vigorous exercise but was eventually interrupted by another blinking panel in the wall. He tilted his head in curiosity and went over to investigate. The panel slid up and revealed an awfully healthy looking smoothie and a sandwich on a plate. Eggsy nodded towards the camera and took both over to his bed.

He was already halfway through the sandwich when the voice interrupted. "Enjoying breakfast?" it asked smoothly. Eggsy shrugged and continued eating, pretending not to care particularly.  
The voice chuckled. "Well, judging by the speed you're devouring this lettuce-tomato creation, I assume I have to provide you with more nourishment. Especially considering…" here the voice paused, but it was a very different kind of pause than the hitch from the night before, "your exercise."

Eggsy raised an eyebrow, making sure to come across as very unimpressed.  
  
"One almost gets the impression you were one of these self-absorbed celebrities who only exercise for the sake of being seen doing it."

Eggsy snorted and very deliberately continued chewing on his sandwich.

"You're very good at putting on a show, but let me tell you, little spy, even with all your charms you're not getting out of here." The voice sounded final, but Eggsy only regarded that all the more as a challenge. He looked up and cheekily winked at one of the cameras.  
"We'll see about that."

He put the rest of the sandwich down, then took a generous gulp of the smoothie, and immediately screwed up his face. "Fuck you, mate. What the hell is that?!" He put the glass away, shuddering. "You know what, don't tell me. I don't even want to know. Next time, just make it water." He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then lay back down on his pallet. For a moment he just stared into space.

"You know waiting here and accepting my fate, as you so eloquently demanded, is pretty boring. You could at least give me some entertainment."

"And what kind of entertainment did you have in mind?"

Eggsy crossed his arms behind his head, giving off the impression of nonchalance. "I dunno, mate. It's your prison. Do you have TV?"  
  
The voice tsked. "I'll have to disappoint you there. We don't get Netflix here. But I could provide some more," a pause and then a thumping sound from behind the food panel could be heard, "old-fashioned entertainment."

Eggsy raised an eyebrow but got up nonetheless. He slid the panel up and found a book behind it.  
"Very funny. What am I supposed to do with that?"  
The voice chuckled. "Don't play dumb, Agent Galahad. I'm quite sure you're familiar with the workings of a book."

Eggsy snorted and tore the cover open a bit more violently than necessary. "Oh, you must be kidding me. Agatha Christie! Come on!" He looked up pleadingly, but something told him that his captor had already closed the channel.

* * *

 

Eggsy was reading. In between working out, sleeping and eating, of course.  
And he had to admit that maybe, only maybe and in consideration of the almost coma-inducing boredom he was battling at the moment, Agatha Christie wasn't so bad. He was almost through with the book and a little worried what would happen once the last sentence spelled _the end_. He could only walk around and parade his scantily dressed body so much before it became entirely ridiculous. Not that it wasn't already, but Eggsy still felt a certain vindictive pleasure whenever the voice stumbled over its own words when Eggsy took off his shirt or decided that the best moment to flex his muscles was simultaneous to the dinner announcement. Despite having been called out on it on several occasions, the effect hadn't waned. And that was something he most certainly could work with.

His captor was attracted to him.

He didn't give anything else away. Like their whereabouts or what exactly he wanted from Eggsy, apart from his "cooperation", but that didn't matter. Eggsy was intent on getting out, and doing it all by himself.

He got up from his reading position on his stomach and stretched his arms above his head, just for good measure. "When's dinner?" he asked into the empty room, fully expecting to get an answer.

"In an hour," the voice replied rather promptly.  
"That's a pretty long wait, I'm hungry now," Eggsy pouted.

"You're not hungry, merely bored."

"True, because there's nothing to do, except reading these boring old pages," he nodded towards the book on his pillow, but the voice remained pointedly silent. Eggsy groaned. "Come on, give me something here. I'm going crazy otherwise. Talk to me."

"Talk? Do you care more for the weather forecast or the political implications of Brexit?" the voice mocked. Eggsy grimaced in response and shot the camera above his bed a two-fingered salute. "Seriously mate, I don't care. Tell me about the ingredients of the things you made me eat yesterday, or your world-domination plans. Both are fine, as long as there is something to talk about."

"Now now, Eggsy. I can't tell you the recipe for the high cuisine we present you with here, as it is ordered in. But the world domination is currently scheduled for the second Friday of September. Satisfied?"

Eggsy made sure to throw the camera a very unimpressed _not even remotely funny_ look, but on the inside his heartbeat had sped up quite drastically. The voice had just called him by his name. It had never done that before. Was it a slip-up? His abductor obviously knew quite a lot about him and Kingsman, but so far it had never revealed such private information. Something about the voice, even though distorted and artificial, had always been vaguely familiar. He couldn't properly put his finger on it, but there was something about the choice of words, the accent, the humour…

His gaze trailed to the window, where the ocean was just was wild and stormy as always. "Not quite," he murmured. He flopped down on the bed again and rolled around. "Would you mind tuning out for a bit, I require a bit of privacy."

"Might I remind you that this, despite the room service, isn't a five-star establishment and I'm not your butler. As you requested entertainment before, I don't see why…" the voice stopped abruptly when Eggsy shoved his hand down his trousers.

"I see," the voice sounded very flustered now. "You shall have the privacy you require. But let me tell you nonetheless that your clumsy attempts at distraction are exactly that, clumsy." The voice seemed to want to stress the last word, still the urgency rung through. It made Eggsy smirk, but obviously didn't keep him from following up on the promised treat of self-gratification. Sure, he could have done it in the shower – would have been less of a mess -  but with a captor that was a second-rate voyeur, it was too good an opportunity to pass up.

He worked his hand up and down his cock. It was actually not all that pleasant considering he had no kind of lubrication. For a moment he contemplated using spit. It wasn't very elegant, but then he had to make do with what was there. So he threw a provocative look at the camera above – fully expecting to be watched – and licked the length of his palm before he brought it down again to close around his hard prick.

Not really thinking of anything, he chased his own pleasure. Under normal circumstances he loved to smuggle the mental picture of a certain silver fox into his fantasies, but right now that seemed somewhat wrong. After all, he was working. Kind of… if you considered saving oneself from a rather dire situation, which one's own stupidity had caused, then yes. He was working.

Eggsy chased the thought away, his face screwing up and his breath hitching as he reached climax.  
  
His body went lax afterwards and he kept his eyes closed while his frantic heartbeat slowed down. He felt surprisingly good. Not at all like he'd just put on a show for a perverted stranger who'd kidnapped him.

* * *

 

The next morning, Eggsy didn't wake up in his bed. Rather disorientated he tried to make sense of what he was seeing, but it all seemed somewhat wrong. Also, he couldn't move his head!  
  
This was very much the moment when a mediocre sized wave of panic washed over him. So far the whole ordeal had left him relatively unconcerned when it came to his own well-being, but now he was fighting against the restraints holding him to something that was probably a lab table with the fierceness of a caged lion.

"What the fuck!" he bellowed, trying frantically – but also without any merit – to see what was going on around him.  
  
"Shhhhh," a voice said and a gloved hand touched his shoulder. Eggsy strained to see more of it, but with his head, and actually the whole rest of his body, fixed to a fucking table this was pretty much impossible.

"What is going on?" He growled while his chest was heaving.  
"I'm very sorry about this," the voice said. It sounded the same yet different coming from a real person standing only a meter away from him and radiating body heat. Hadn't Eggsy been so panicked about the whole being tied to a table business, he would've probably appreciated that factor.  
"I need to contact your organisation and for that you also need to make an appearance," the voice – no, the man; clearly a man – said.

"Oh, and you couldn't just show them the feed from my cell?"

The man chuckled. "It wouldn’t achieve quite the same effect." He walked around Eggsy's table and fiddled with some switch that had the whole contraption move from the horizontal to the vertical with a sudden jerk. Eggsy grunted as he tried to readjust his body now hanging from the manacles. "A little warning would've been nice."

"This won't take long. You'll be able to return to your cell immediately afterwards," the man said. He stood to Eggsy's right, but positioned at exactly the angle where he couldn't make out more of his appearance than a vague silhouette.

"Not one for manning up to your deeds," Eggsy sighed while his gaze was trained on the camera right in front of him. It was a bigger, more elaborate model that stood on a tripod. Next to it was an opened laptop. Both devices threw back distorted reflections of the scene and Eggsy tried to make out more of his captor standing just outside his line of vision.

"We're not quite at the point where we can meet face to face, Agent Galahad. But I'm sure once this ordeal is over and Kingsman has met our demands we can… amend that." There was some more movement and then the laptop sprung to life. "Just rest assured that I have no intention of hurting you."

"Maybe I have intention of hurting _you_!" Eggsy snarled through gritted teeth, but before he could get a reaction, the image of Merlin, Roxy and to his great dismay Princess Tilde appeared on the screen. Eggsy had to keep his eyes from bulging. This was a fucking nightmare!

Next to him, his captor started speaking to them. He sprouted the usual nonsense these megalomaniacs tended to do, Eggsy wasn't really paying all that much attention, he was still too caught up in the embarrassment of the situation. He had wanted to get out of this on his own so much that he had kind of neglected what the worst-case scenario would be: being paraded like a meek damsel in distress in front of his co-workers.

He had to hand it to Merlin and Roxy though that they wore the poker faces well. Especially Merlin gave absolutely nothing away, and Rox's calculating stare wasn't far behind either. She'd certainly learnt from the best. Eggsy felt an inkling of pride, which was unfortunately immediately washed away when he saw the visibly upset crown princess of Sweden. It was like a punch to his gut when she folded her perfectly manicured hands over her mouth in shock. "What have you done to him?" he heard her say.

He grimaced but tried to shoot her a dashing smile nonetheless. "So far he's only practiced rope bondage on me." Eggsy winked and was immediately punished with a light electric shock being sent through his body. His surprised yelp couldn't have been more undignified, and it certainly didn't help placating the princess, who now looked truly worried.

Eggsy cursed his abductor internally, while the man was back to negotiating with Merlin. He heard the words ransom and a surprisingly high amount of money – was he really worth that much? The whole talk went back and forth between the two men like a diligently practiced stage play, and while that came as no surprise concerning Merlin, Eggsy couldn't say he found it reassuring that his captor was apparently just as adept in this kind of game.

Eggsy's gaze searched Roxy's. They exchanged a silent greeting and assurance that he was indeed unharmed. When Roxy's eyes flitted to the captor, obviously inquiring how many more people there were, Eggsy had to answer with a barely distinguishable shrug. He lifted one finger and waved it around a bit, trying to signal that he had only ever dealt with one person.  
It was really hard to tell if there was another organisation behind his abduction or if this was indeed a single perpetrator. The complexity of the infrastructure and tech suggested an organisation, but the total absence of guards and the way he was always only moved when unconscious implied that there was actually a lack in manpower. Also, the voice made always sure to say _We_ never _I_ , which was one of the first indicators that there actually wasn't a we.

So Eggsy tried to signal what little information he had, before his gaze was drawn back to the princess. She had a stubborn expression on her face now and Eggsy finally got round to wondering what she was even doing with the two Kingsman agents. In all honesty, it should have been Arthur with them and not Princess Tilde. Sure, he knew Kingsman had tried to ensnare her - rather unsuccessfully one might add - as a new sponsor, but why make her a witness to his humiliation? Was this about the money?

Eggsy narrowed his eyes. Something was going on. Instinctively he tried to crane his neck into the captor's direction once again, but he could only make out the shape of a tall man in a black suit.

"If we can't agree, then Agent Galahad here will continue to enjoy our hospitality some more. I'm sure time will make you see reason." With that the screen shut off and became black. Eggsy stared at it somewhat dumbfounded. It was in that exact moment that the captor changed his position so that he was reflected in the dead screen. Eggsy saw a man whose dark hair showed traces of grey and who wore an eyepatch before the image vanished once again.

The captor gave a slightly displeased huff, obviously aware of what Eggsy had seen, and flicked the switch that made Eggsy's stretcher fall back into the horizontal. It was about as pleasant as the first time around.

"Didn't you say you wouldn't hurt me?" he inquired with a sigh.

"Oh please, the shock was about as strong as being pricked by a needle."

"Needles hurt!" Eggsy made sure to sound very indignant.

* * *

 

The door of his cell was open, and if someone had told him a day ago that he'd be pointedly ignoring it, he'd have laughed in their face. But as things were right now, he was ignoring it. Or more precisely he was pouting and the open invitation to leave the cell  and "have dinner to celebrate his great performance" was consequently ignored.

He'd literally turned his back towards it as he lay on his pallet and only answered the voice in ill-tempered grunts and huffs. Unfortunately, there was also the smell of food wafting through the opened door, which made his stomach grumble and reminded him that he hadn't eaten anything today. Eggsy decided to ignore it for a few more minutes before he eventually gave in with a dramatic sigh and got up into a sitting position. He fixed the camera with a stare.

"I don't appreciate being paraded like some prize," he said and stalked through the door.

The other room gave off quite the different vibe. It was large and had a similar open window front, but with this room's layout it came across as much more decorative than threatening. Eggsy took it all in and made sure to appear unimpressed. With his hands in his pockets he sauntered over to the ready laid table, only scrunching up his face at the food. He eventually sat down anyway.

"So what's this supposed to be?" he asked into the room while picking an olive off one of the bruschetta presented to him. A voice at the back of his head whispered that these were exactly the kind of horrific table manners Harry would scold him for. He smirked and put his foot on the chair, just for good measure.

His host seemed equally exasperated with Eggsy's behaviour as he let out a long-suffering sigh and retorted a curt, "Enjoy your meal, Agent Galahad."

Eggsy nodded more to himself and grabbed the whole bruschetta, shoving it into his mouth extra vigorously. He munched on it and gave the camera another vindictive grin. Some crumbs fell onto his chest but Eggsy didn't bother to brush them off. He grabbed the salad instead. "I have to give it to you, mate, the food's pretty decent," he said still chewing.

"You know your table manners leave to be desired. I understand you're trying to underline your dislike of the situation, but showing so little respect towards the efforts made by those preparing this meal for you is really not what could be considered gentlemanly."

Eggsy stopped his chewing and swallowed the bite that was clearly too big. His gaze wandered over the room, then he took his foot down and leant back in the chair. "Now what do you care about being a gentleman?" he asked and folded his hands on the table.

"Very little indeed. But as far as my intel reveals to me, your organisation is quite big on the gentleman business."

"Let me tell you a secret," Eggsy grabbed the knife that rested innocently at the righthand side of his plate and spun it once in his fingers, "we're not very gentle." With that he threw it across the room so that it got stuck in the wall opposite of him, still vibrating slightly when Eggsy went back to devouring his food.

"My my, you really seem to be in a bad mood. Would it appease you if I apologized some more," the voice asked, the tone light and mocking on the surface but with something strained underneath.  
  
Eggsy looked back up. "For that you would actually have to mean it. Your empty phrases and prettily printed greeting cards don't make this less of an abduction."

There was silence after that and only the sound of Eggsy's vigorous eating could be heard for the next few minutes.

"It could be worse, you know," the voice finally supplied, sounding feeble though.

"You mean like torture? Sure, you could do that," Eggsy waved his fork around, "but you're a thief, not a torturer. Or at least that's what you tell yourself. Does it help you sleep at night?"

The voice didn't answer to that and Eggsy continued chewing on his food while his gaze followed the rocky movements of the waves outside. "This constant isolation isn't exactly a party either," he seemed to mumble more to himself, but the mics had obviously still picked it up.

"I'm trying to make that easier though. The books and the food and …" the voice trailed off.

"You could be sitting in that chair there at the other side of the table," Eggsy indicated to the empty seat, that stood rather forlornly at the lavishly presented table.

"I'm sorry," the voice said.

"And now, I even believe you. But you also see that if you criticise my qualities as a gentleman, I see myself compelled to point out your lacking qualities as a host."

"I shall try to improve then," the voice said.

* * *

 

"If you continue like this, you'll pull something, my boy."

Eggsy ignored the voice and lowered the split until the entirety of his legs was touching the floor. The back of his shirt showed the dark stains of sweat and his muscles were vibrating under the strain, but it felt good. All of the work-out felt good.

Eggsy put his hand in front of him, shifting the weight more to the front. Again his muscles groaned under the pressure, but it was still all within the realm of the comfortable – more or less, at least.

He took a deep breath. His balls were also protesting the not so careful squeezing as he lowered his upper-body closer to the ground.

"You make quite the picture, Eggsy, I have to say. Though really, I have to stress not to overdo the exercising, after all I promised to return you unharmed," the voice chuckled. Since the little disagreement at the dinner table, his captor had indeed attempted to interact more with him. Eggsy wasn't so sure anymore if this development was a good one though, as the voice had taken to flirting with him quite shamelessly, the whole prospect of hiding his attraction towards the young man obviously abandoned entirely.

"I always admired flexibility, in every sense of the word," the voice teased and Eggsy rolled his eyes at the bad pun, "but I also wondered how exactly you accommodate the softer parts of your physique when you spread your legs at such a demanding angle."

Eggsy blinked, then he felt his face heating up. Had he really just heard that correctly? He swung his legs around, so that he came to lie on his belly. "You're a wanker," he said to the empty room.

The voice only chuckled. "I was entirely serious about my enquiry."

Eggsy shook his head, then rolled onto his back. "You don't. They get squeezed." He bent his knees and stared at the ceiling. He was feeling hot all over. His chest was heaving.

"Oh really, then you should be careful. You know there could be long-term consequences of such an abusive treatment of your crown jewels."

Eggsy closed his eyes and for a second tried to recapitulate how he'd got himself into this situation. To some extent he understood that he had brought it upon himself. He had showcased his body in order to distract the captor and to manipulate him into making a mistake. Only that so far, he hadn't. Sure, there had been some initial embarrassment over being called out on these voyeuristic tendencies, but after that the man had recovered quickly and come back with quite the mean sense of retaliation that had Eggsy flush regularly.

"Maybe I should check," he muttered.

"Check what, dear boy?"

"The crown jewels, of course." Eggsy smirked. His eyes were still closed and he was lying on the floor, sweaty, but that didn't keep him from shoving his hand under the waistband of his loose trousers.

"Darling, haven't we agreed that your clumsy attempts at seductions don't work on me?" the voice chided.

"And haven't you figured out that I just like to toss off." He fondled his balls carefully, they were still a bit tender. Then a silent moan escaped his lips and Eggsy spread his legs a bit wider. Yes, this felt good.

  
"My my, I'm sure every psychiatrist would have a field day with you. Exhibitionistic tendencies at their best."

Eggsy had to admit that the creep probably had a point there. Morgana would most certainly have a field day when he told her about this, and ramble something about the hyper masculine compulsion to parade one's own genitalia. "You don't have to watch, you know." It came out more breathless than intended, and he blinked dazedly at the ceiling.

"And miss the whole show, most certainly not. Now lower these dreadful trousers and let me see what you're doing."

A grin played at the corner of Eggsy's lips. "And what do I get in return? You could show me something in return."

"What do you have in mind?" the voice sounded light, but there was a hint of wariness.

Eggsy removed his hand from his cock and rolled onto his belly quite abruptly. He looked up at the cameras. "Why do I never get to see you? Are you afraid I might recognize you?" He raised an eyebrow in challenge, but only silence answered him.

Eggsy shook his head and got to his feet. With an obvious tent in his trousers he stood in the room and had his arms akimbo. "If you want to see some more, I recommend you show me your face."

"We haven't quite reached the point yet where I can reveal my face to you, Agent." The voice sounded pained.

"Oh, don't get me wrong, I already have a very good idea of who you are. I just prefer to get more interaction from my partners than a running commentary on all the things I already know I'm doing." He winked and strode over to the pallet. Quite deliberately he didn't sit down, but only leant forward and placed his hands on it. "What's it going to be, Mister Tom, Dick and _Harry_?

He threw a mischievous look over his shoulder and there was a heavy pause in which the captor obviously deliberated what to do. Then a resigned sigh could be heard. "Alright, you brat. I'll tell you what to do. Now get out of these trousers and kneel on the pallet, head facing away from the pillow.

Eggsy threw the camera a victorious grin before shucked off his clothes and as gracefully as possible got into a kneeling position on the pallet. "And now, your Highness?" He wiggled his arse a bit.

"Now spread those muscular thighs some more, so I can see these abused balls of yours." Eggsy complied, fully aware that with his position on the bed the camera was exactly above…. Well, his asshole. He felt his cheeks warm up some more, but still couldn't help the laughter bubbling up in his chest. The situation was just silly. He shook his head. "Are you satisfied with the state they're in, or do you think they'll fall off?"

"Hmmm I don't know, they look rather red. A massage would probably do them some good." Eggsy nodded and dutifully reached down to fondle them some more. He rolled them in the palm of his hand and even squeezed a little, but he quickly got distracted and his fingers wandered to a more comfortable position in which they could also graze the base of his cock in one go. Eggsy moaned, and was immediately reprimanded.

"Now now, Eggsy, don't get ahead of yourself." The voice sounded mock stern. Eggsy removed his hand but gave an exasperated sigh, for good measure.  
"I'd like you to focus on a more neglected region first. Put your hand back on your balls, then splay your fingers and move a bit further back."

Eggsy could see where this was going, but did as he was told anyway. His fingers traced the tender puckered flesh of his asshole. "That what you had in mind?"

"Quite. I want you to put one finger in."

"I've got no lube." Eggsy threw a look over his shoulder at the camera, making sure it caught his frown. But the voice only tsked.

"I'm sure you can make do. It wouldn't be the first time, after all."

Eggsy huffed but retracted his hand to spit in it. "This won't be much fun, you know."

"Don't complain, darling. It's not like someone is going to shove his big cock up your arse."

Eggsy grumbled some more, "I'd certainly prefer that", before his finger breached the tight ring of muscle and his mouth flew open, rendering him speechless.

"That's looking good. Work it in, nice and slow." The voice hummed in approval. "Just so you know, I'd certainly prefer to shove my big cock up your arse, but alas, we're not quite there yet."

"You said that before," Eggsy panted as his finger moved in and out relentlessly, "but it's bullshit. You could just come here and have your wicked way with me. You know sweet young thing that I am."

The voice chuckled. "Oh, we both know you're anything but sweet. Take a second finger now."  
Eggsy complied, the stretch making his eyes roll back in his head and sweat bead on his forehead.

"You'd use your charms to render me complacent, and then while making sweet love to you, you'd incapacitate me."

Eggsy snorted, but it came out too breathless. The image of himself atop a strapping older gentleman had taken a hold of his mind. "I could ride you," he supplied, his eyes still closed and finger stretching himself open. "You'd certainly look good tied to the bed."

The voice hummed in acquiescence. "Another time."

"Promises promises," Eggsy gasped. "Can I…? Will you let me now?" His other hand made the universal jerking off gesture and before the voice really got the chance to answer, Eggsy had already proceeded to lowering himself to his shoulders, his face buried into the soft cotton of the sheets. It wasn't a particularly comfortable or convenient position with his backside in the air, but these were the concessions one made for a good show.

"Please proceed," the voice said, clearly amused. And that wasn't something Eggsy needed to hear twice. He wrapped his hand around his throbbing cock, it was such a relief. Unfortunately, the position made it much harder to keep on fingering himself, so he removed his digits and earned himself a slightly displeased grunt.

"Sorry mate, not enough hands. If you want to help though, feel free to join me."

The voice didn't answer, but Eggsy could hear the slightly irregular sound of breathing. In an attempt at compromising – which was really generous of him, considering the voice's owner had so far done absolutely nothing to earn the privilege – he pulled his ass cheeks apart, offering an unobstructed view of what he was sure was his by now rather puffy asshole.

"You're really a naughty little tart," the voice supplied sounding slightly hoarse, Eggsy noted with satisfaction.

"Would you like to be the one to tie me up then?" Eggsy asked cheekily while he continued pumping his own cock. "Outside the professional area, I don't mind a bit of punishment." He winked. "I've got the impression that's something you megalomaniac villains enjoy, thinking of that episode where you had me strapped to the lab table. You even wear an eyepatch, I saw it. I could still ride you with my hands tied behind my back, if that's something you'd want."

The voice only groaned in responses and Eggsy felt like he'd just won. He closed his eyes and increased the speed.

"I'm glad you enjoy this little _what if_ scenario, Agent Galahad. But weren't we originally discussing how you'd use your charms to defeat me? Not that I mind a little rope bondage, quite on the contrary as you so accurately stated, but then I'd prefer the ropes to be green, it'd go much better with your eyes." The voice's husky tone implied that Eggsy wasn't the only one reaching climax. He threw his head back when it lit his nerve-endings on fire.

The aftermath was a dizzy but pleasant lethargy. Eggsy rubbed his face against the sheets, deeming the fabric as almost too rough for his over sensitized state. He let his body sag down and enjoyed the tingling sensation some more, before he finally bothered to look at the camera again.

"You mean like the green silk tie you gave me goes wonderfully with my eyes?" he asked lazily.

"Exactly."

* * *

 

Eggsy woke up to the sound of guns and yelling. While his first thought was along the lines of 'about time', there still was a tiny part of him that might have enjoyed playing damsel in distress a bit more than he liked to admit. Still, he swung his legs over the bed and waited.

He wondered who and how many Kingsman had sent. They really had allowed themselves quite a lot of time. How long had he been here, five days? Six days? Normally it didn’t take them more than three to find a villain's lair. This was really quite sloppy.

Eggsy rolled his eyes when something crashed into the door that led to the dining room. There was some more yelling, then an explosion. All right, that sounded as if it was time to get up. He cracked his knuckles and rolled his neck once before he got into a fighting stance. The door flew open, and from behind a cloud of smoke and heat Roxy emerged, all glorious warrior queen and knight in shining armour combined. Eggsy gave her a delighted smile.

"You're late, Lancelot."

Roxy snorted. "Don't fret. There's a whole army of guards out there and I'm on my own."

Eggsy frowned, now that was a first. "So, no backup? Tell me you at least brought my gun."  
  
She shook her head. "Sorrry, Eggsy. No weapons for you, you might be compromised."

"I'm not compromised," Eggsy bristled, making sure to pull himself up to his full not very intimidating height. The corner of Roxy's lips quivered, but she stayed steadfast and shook her head again. "Boss' orders."

"Oh, boss' orders? The boss will hear from me once we're out of here. He has quite a lot to answer for," Eggsy groused, while Roxy indicated with a slight nod that he should follow her.

They were indeed greeted by the sight of several unconscious guards, all in full combat gear, littering the long halls of the lair. "Wow, that's a bit more than I expected, there was only ever one guy talking to me," Eggsy muttered and stayed behind Roxy, who'd signalled him to wait.  
She was focussed on the corner ahead, where there was movement Eggsy had missed in his assessment of the knocked-out minions. Two more guards were approaching fast, but Roxy took them out with two well-aimed shots to their chests. The crumbled immediately, but Eggsy frowned.

And the expression stayed edged into his features while they passed the defeated adversaries. Normally they didn't aim for the chest, because the guards wore armour and the chance that a shot aimed there would be non-lethal was just too big, so why? His gaze flickered to the other guys on the floor. Exactly the same, a well-placed shot directly to the chest. So, this was programmatic, but why?

Well, he had an idea why, but the actual details eluded him. His gaze returned to the back of Roxy's head. She was glorious as always, maybe even a bit more than on the average missions. Her suit looked lighter and more immaculate, her hair was lose and lavish– and Eggsy knew from Roxy's first-hand complaining during training that she hated lose hair during missions because it obscured her vision – and even her heels seemed a bit higher than what she normally tended to wear. It almost appeared as is they were showing off….

"Are you streaming that?" he asked.  
"Of course I'm streaming it. Merlin is always watching," she answered curtly and knocked another guy out.  
"That's not what I mean. Is somebody else watching?"

She didn't answer, instead a somewhat pained expression flitted over her features.  
"Arthur can explain that to you once we're home."  
  
Eggsy gritted his teeth and mumbled an enraged "I knew it" under his breath.

* * *

 

"So, I'm delighted to inform you that thanks to your generous help Agent Galahad has been returned to us all hale and healthy."

They stood in Arthur's office, lined up like the good little soldiers they were, staring at the screen on which several aristocratic and important (or at least wealthy) faces were looking back at them. The _Society for the Protection of the Innocent_ – short SPI – had been formed shortly after his abduction and mostly consisted of the former victims of Valentine's celebrity kidnappings. After some initial distrust and hesitation, Eggsy's disappearance had reminded them of their own plight and their debt towards their hero and saviour – read Eggsy – which had them decide that maybe supporting an organisation such as Kingsman wasn't so bad, after all.

Eggsy really had to force his smile while he expressed his eternal fake gratitude towards them. For giving them money and resources, and generally becoming their new sponsors.

They had had a look at some of the video footage from his captivity, and Eggsy had felt a moment of sheer terror, which thankfully had turned out to be entirely unfounded as the material mostly showed him pacing his cell and looking generally unhappy. He was even a bit surprised about how unhappy he came across, considering his whole stay there had all in all been rather relaxed. Boring, sure, but a far cry from murder and torture. The food had even been a real treat. But he got that they tried to portray a certain image to get their new sponsors to sympathize with him. It was quite a mean trick, especially when taken into account that these people had actually really been abducted… and held in cells that were even more luxurious than his own. That pretty much cancelled out any guilt immediately.

Merlin cleared his throat. "And as you can see, the case has been solved and the culprit apprehended. A repeat performance is not to be expected." He nodded at the SPI sponsors, who seemed satisfied with the brief and one after the other flickered to black screens. It left Merlin, Eggsy and Roxy with Princess Tilde, who was actually still there with them in person, as she seemed to have become a kind of spokesperson for the group, and had made sure that Eggsy was indeed unharmed. This check mostly consisted of pinching Eggsy's arse and some indecent proposal somewhere in between, but he had declined under the pretext of recuperation.

"The last time I was kidnapped I didn't need recuperation time," she threw Eggsy a suggestive smile, which made him cough sheepishly. Oh yes, he remembered that. Good times. He put his arms around her slim waist.

"I'm most gracious for the brave rescue you had a part in, Your Highness. It seems all debts are repaid," he winked.  
"Oh, does that mean this time I get to fuck your asshole?"

Eggsy sputtered at her bluntness, and he felt a rosy tinge creeping up his cheeks. Behind him Merlin and Roxy were very quick to exit the room.  
"I fear I might have promised that to someone else," he said diplomatically and extricated himself from her embrace. She pouted as he kissed her hand. "But I swear that should the occasion arise, you'll be the first to know." He tried to make for the door too, but was stopped dead in his tracks by Tilde's very cheerful, "I have a very big dildo. Just so you know."

Eggsy nodded. What more was there to say to that….. actually there was something.  
His expression sobered, and the princess seemed to notice it immediately. He took her hands once more.

"You know it was a set-up, don't you? It's for the money. They're broke otherwise." Part of him wasn't sure why he felt compelled to tell her the truth. Maybe because she actually was the one he'd shared a real abduction story with. Or maybe just because of the sex. But it seemed wrong to deceive her.

"Of course, I know. I may be a princess but I'm not naïve." She patted his cheek and smiled. Then she gestured towards the door. "But I think you shouldn't let whoever you promised that to," she slapped his arse, "wait. It's rude."

She had a point there. It was high time to settle his score with Arthur, who'd been notably absent, once again.

* * *

 

Eggsy stalked the long corridors of Kingsman HQ, but Harry remained nowhere to be found. His polite inquiries about the whereabouts of their boss mostly rendered some uninterested shrugs and a very interested outburst by Merlin, who went into rant about Harry's slacker qualities. Eggsy nodded and slinked out while the tech wizard was still very much in the middle of his tirade.

So Eggsy went to his own office and found an artfully wrapped present sitting on his bureau. He eyed it with a certain suspicion before the took the card accompanying it. It read in an elegant scrawl:

Sorry for the Inconvenience

Eggsy snorted and put it down. If Harry thought he'd get away with that so easily he was painfully mistaken.

But apparently Harry didn't think that he'd get away with anything, because the present, once unwrapped, revealed a pair of prestigious green….ropes. Eggsy couldn't help but grin. Alright, the old pervert at least knew how to play his cards right.

The turned the coiled ropes in his fingers and decided that he really had to find Harry. Maybe there would be an eyepatch involved as well.

 

The end


End file.
